Prime Minister James Cameron has introduced new plans to improve the recent legislation of plain branding, complete with zombiesque imagery health warnings for cigarette packaging.
'The problem is', said Mr. Cameron tugging on a Cohiba Behike cigar,' the children of today, are going to get confused by all this ghoulish representation of the effects of smoking. They will look at their grandfather who has been puffing away on 60 a day all his life, and even though the wretch is wheezing and producing large quantities of phlegm, stinking even more than poor people usually do, they will see a discrepancy in the image portrayed on the packs and what they see before them.'
'Therefore,' he continued, 'we are enforcing a law that will see the introduction of more toxic ingredients and fatally damaging substances used in the production of the cigarettes themselves. Hopefully this will accelerate the tumours and teeth distortions for the smoker and match the artwork. The effects of their irresponsible behaviour and the dangers will be seen by the younger generation immediately.'
That man in charge of the Labour government was quick to raise concerns, proposing a better alternative.
'The kids today are all about the Facebooks and Twitters, we propose a scheme where each cigarette packet has a built-in camera that utilises face capture technology. When a packet is bought by a child, their young face is scanned, digitally aged with all boils and mangy bits. then simultaneously displayed on the packet's LCD screen underneath the current health warning slogan 'This is you in 30 years time – major fails', as well as posted up on their Facebook time-line where their Mums can see it. Costing the tax payer a mere £20,000 per packet to develop, I'm sure the general public would approve of these measures if it keeps our children safe.