MBoredPosted by mbedd Fri, April 04, 2014 10:30:29
Prime Minister James Cameron has
introduced new plans to improve the recent legislation of plain
branding, complete with zombiesque imagery health warnings for cigarette
'The problem is', said Mr. Cameron tugging on
a Cohiba Behike cigar,' the children of today, are going to get
confused by all this ghoulish representation of the effects of smoking.
They will look at their grandfather who has been puffing away on 60 a
day all his life, and even though the wretch is wheezing and producing
large quantities of phlegm, stinking even more than poor people usually
do, they will see a discrepancy in the image portrayed on the packs and
what they see before them.'
'Therefore,' he continued, 'we are
enforcing a law that will see the introduction of more toxic ingredients
and fatally damaging substances used in the production of the
cigarettes themselves. Hopefully this will accelerate the tumours and
teeth distortions for the smoker and match the artwork. The effects of
their irresponsible behaviour and the dangers will be seen by the
younger generation immediately.'
That man in charge of the Labour government was quick to raise concerns, proposing a better alternative.
'The kids today are all about the Facebooks and Twitters, we propose a
scheme where each cigarette packet has a built-in camera that utilises
face capture technology. When a packet is bought by a child, their young
face is scanned, digitally aged with all boils and mangy bits. then
simultaneously displayed on the packet's LCD screen underneath the
current health warning slogan 'This is you in 30 years time – major
fails', as well as posted up on their Facebook time-line where their
Mums can see it. Costing the tax payer a mere £20,000 per packet to
develop, I'm sure the general public would approve of these measures if
it keeps our children safe.
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